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China Tries Hummer Brand On For Size

Posted on 04 June 2009 by bolivar

triple-axle-hummer-limoSHANGHAI – General Motors struck a tentative deal with Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Co. Tuesday to buy the now bankrupt company’s Hummer brand.

Industry analysts are already questioning why the all-but-unknown, privately-held player in China’s heavy machinery industry would want the U.S. auto maker’s failing Hummer.

“Who is Tengzhong? Why does it want Hummer?” asked a senior analyst with Sichuan Securities, near Tengzhong’s headquarters in Sichuan province.

Exactly a year ago, GM announced that it was closing up four truck plants and wanted to sell its Hummer brand in an effort to replace its traditional lineup of trucks and SUVs with small, fuel-friendly cars.

Former Chief Executive Rick Wagoner said GM is was reviewing the Hummer brand and planned to sell the entire military-inspired SUV line as, “U.S. economic and market conditions have become significantly more difficult”.

With the company’s bankruptcy Monday, conditions are decidedly more difficult.

Apparently not too difficult for Tengzhong. “We are conscious of the permanent shift away from less fuel-efficient vehicles,” said Wang Hufeng, a senior executive at the company, “but our target market is Chinese celebrities and off-road enthusiasts who love the indulgence and power offered by Hummers,” adding that for this segment price is not an object.

Wang didn’t mention Hummer’s largest audience, dudes with diminutive dongs. Nothing says ‘teeny weenie’ quite like the Hummer. The only thing that comes close is having a woman flash the international sign for ‘small dick’: the thumb and forefinger with 3cm of space between them.

The average white male has a erect penis measuring 6.2 inches long and 3.7 inches around, according to date from the Kinsey study, while a more recent study published in Singapore found the average length for a Chinese erect male is between 4.4 inches 4.7 inches. In the U.S., white male accounted for 96% of Hummer sales.

“If it were a big Chinese state auto group like SAIC Motor, it could be a different story, but I doubt that Tengzhong, a company which popped up from nowhere, is big enough to swallow Hummer,” said Ru Xiongwei, an analyst with Bentai Securities.

Nevertheless, Tengzhong executives are confident they can overcome any size shortcomings and sell millions of units to China’s pencil dicks.

“The Hummer has what it takes for those men with no bulge in their inseam,” said a Tengzhong sales manager who asked not to be named. “More importantly, those with insignificant sausages will be able to draw ample attention to themselves in their attempt to compensate for their shrunken salamis when they sit behind the wheel of this baby,”

Formed in 2005, Tengzhong makes special-use vehicles, including dump trucks and fuel tankers, as well as construction machinery, energy equipment, and structural components for highways and bridges.

A representative for Tengzhong said the purchase, expected to be closed in the third quarter, would be funded from the company’s internal resources and bank loans. The company has 4,800 employees, according to its website.

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