WASHINGTON – Just days after a World Trade Organization ruling that China must ease restrictions on imported movies, music and books, the U.S. government announced today that it is once again ready to be lied to about free trade.

The Chinese Commerce Ministry responded almost immediately to the appeal, insisting Beijing does not hamper imports of media products, nor does it violate free trade rules by forcing such products to be routed through Chinese state-owned companies.

“The channels for China’s import market for published materials, movies and music are completely unimpeded,” ministry spokesman Yang Fuxin said in response to the American demands that bald-faced lies resume immediately, adding that “after years of bullshit about our trade practices, it’s understandable that U.S politicians don’t want to hear the grim truth about their economic future.”

Indeed, Yang stated that Beijing’s policy of boosting the market for pirated products by limiting access to legitimate goods was unchanged.

The American stance follows the release of soul-squashing report from the International Intellectual Property Alliance, a coalition of U.S. entertainment and software industry groups, stating that piracy in China costs them more than $3.7 billion in lost sales.

Grant Pearson, a lobbyist for the U.S. entertainment giant Universal said, “I thought I wanted a new era of transparency and accountability from China, but honestly, I just can’t handle it. From now on, just tell me the lies I want to hear.”

The national call for decreased candor began Monday, after analysts described the WTO ruling as “impossible to enforce”, a revelation that many people found shockingly blunt. Responding to that fact, an overwhelming majority of U.S. government, industry officials and entertainment figures said they believe Chinese leaders have a responsibility to come together, sit the American people down, and lie through their teeth about everything.

“I don’t need to be constantly reminded that the lack of intellectual property enforcement in China has hurt sales, said Hannah Montana, a.k.a. Miley Cyrus. “What I want is for someone to tell me with a straight face that profits from my latest movie have gone through the roof so that I can feel better.”

According to a CBS News/New York Times poll, 99 percent of Americans no longer appreciate President Barack Obama’s attempts to break down the depressing trade imbalance into simple terms they can understand. Instead, many say the president should have the decency to force the Chinese to use complex jargon to confuse and deceive them, perhaps even implying that gross imbalance of trade was just a big misunderstanding that resulted from a clerical error.

“Please, treat me like a child. Treat me like a five-year-old,” California governor Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger wrote in a letter to the Chinese president. “I nearly lost everything when the Terminator series was pirated, and I’m too old to start working again.”

Thus far, many policymakers in Washington have responded favorably to Chinese lies, saying they respect and understand the regime’s need for dishonesty.

“I think we can accommodate the Chinese government on this,” Senate majority leader Drew Jansen (D-NV) told reporters, “after all, China should defend its media controls as needed to ensure removal of offensive content and protect public morals. Besides, pirated copies are so convenient, and at a dollar per DVD, the quality is so good.”

Share on Facebook