BANGKOK, THAILAND – The Thai government, embarrassed by the latest ASEAN summit disruption, has declared that elections will henceforth take place every 30 days, in an attempt to rein in the increasingly chaotic domestic situation.

Thai Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva at noon Monday declared the new policy, citing increasing danger of violence by anti-government protesters in the capital and elsewhere. “Any more of this sort of behavior,” he said, “and we’ll become the Bolivia of South East Asia.”

Abhisit said the policy was not announced earlier in Bangkok because the government wanted to keep normal order there, but the situation became tense and the government had to take drastic measures to restore normality.

He also asked Deputy Prime Minister in charge of security matters, Suthep Thaugsuban, to take charge of enforcing the next election.

The move follows gunfire from unidentified sources, heard during a scuffle as the prime minister’s car left the Ministry of Interior Sunday afternoon.

Television footage showed protesters smashing the prime minister’s car with clubs, iron bars, rocks, flower pots and bottles forcing the driver to take evasive action in the compound as protesters blocked all entrances. The car’s window was shattered..

Mr. Abhisit escaped unharmed and he later told reporters that he was safe but one of his security guards was nabbed by the protesters.

When the prime minister departed the interior ministry, a driver in another car was seriously injured after being beaten by the protesters.

He said he had not fired at the protesters but the gunshot was heard after the protesters tried to grab a gun from him.

“Effective immediately, elections will be monthly because a group of people are inciting unrest,” said Abhisit. Thailand will never become a banana republic, rather it will be the most democratic nation on the planet.”

It will be implemented by Deputy Prime Minister Suthep Thaugsuban, Mr. Abhisit said.

Mr Abhisit, reportedly disguised as a woman, was spotted trying to escape to sea in a small canoe.

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NEW YORK – North Korea released television footage of its rocket launch late Tuesday night, revealing for the first time that the supposed communications satellite was in fact doctored footage of a soda bottle rocket.

The state-run Korean Central News Agency aired the clip last night, showing a plastic rocket printed with the word “Choson” in red. The footage showed the rocket blasting off from the launch pad as well as shots of the control and command center where a small dot, apparently indicating the rocket, was on display on a radar screen. From the footage, the bulbous-shaped payload at the top of the rocket appeared to be a modified bottle cap.

Pak Tok-hun, North Korea’s deputy ambassador to the UN, said “the launch was a hoax”, and warned yesterday that the North was “only having a little fun at the expense of the neo-imperialist war mongers

In a printed statement, Pak wrote that, “Building and launching a classic soda bottle rocket fueled by basic rubbing alcohol is fun and an educational lesson in physics. An alcohol fueled soda bottle rocket closely resembles that of a ballistic flight pattern. Bottle rocket designs may vary, but are all subject to four forces in flight: weight, thrust, lift and drag.”

Meanwhile, the South Korean government said on Sunday that the North “appeared to have tried to launch a rocket” but has yet to make a conclusive announcement on its nature. The United States has categorically termed the payload a missile in previous statements.

On the day of the launch, U.S. President Barack Obama condemned the North for launching a “Taepodong-2,” referring to the North’s ballistic missile. Marine Corps General James Cartwright, vice chairman of the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff, has told the Pentagon that North Korea failed in its “transition from one stage of boost to the next,” suggesting that the last two boosters of the three-stage rocket had not separated before apparently plunging into the Pacific Ocean.

South Korea said it needed more time to get a conclusive report on whether the separation took place.

Separately, a South Korean government source told the JoongAng Ilbo that the North Korean rocket traveled upward 485 kilometers (301.4 miles) before coming up short of putting its payload into orbit.

South Korea’s King Sejong the Great Aegis vessel tracked the flight, according to the source. However, the KCNA, the North’s state-run news agency, reported that its rocket was orbiting at between 490 feet and 1,423 feet above Earth.

The South Korean source said the rocket appeared to lack standard propulsion. According to sources, a satellite needs to travel at about 7.9 kilometers per second to enter orbit but the North Korean rocket was traveling at 1.2 kilometers per hour.

As scientists and experts tried to determine the fate of the rocket, the United Nations Security Council canceled its meeting yesterday. According to anonymous sources, ambassadors from the U.S., Britain and France, three of five permanent member nations, met privately.

The United States, along with non-standing member Japan, is pushing for a strong measure, likely a legally binding new resolution, while China and Russia are among those urging a more muted response.

Pak insisted that Pyongyang launched a soda rocket and said the Security Council was “undemocratic” in criticizing North Korea for launching the rocket while other countries were allowed to send much larger objects into space.

“This is a soda bottle rocket. Everyone can distinguish it and a missile,” Pak said. “Every country has the right, the inalienable right, to use outer space for whatever purposes it wishes.

“Not a few countries, many countries, they’ve already launched a satellite, several hundred times,” Pak added. “Does it mean that it is O.K. for them to launch a satellite, but we are not allowed to launch a bottle rocket? This is not fair.”

Pak said if the Security Council takes any step, the North will consider that an infringement upon its sovereignty and “the next option will be ours. We have necessary and strong steps that will follow.” He added that the governments of the U.S., Japan and South Korea benefited from the popular distraction to take attention away from the “miserable failings of the capitalist economy.”

Any attempt to punish North Korea will infuriate Pyongyang, which has also threatened to restart a plant that makes arms-grade plutonium and quit nuclear disarmament talks if the UN takes action.

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STA. ROSA, LAGUNA – Pope Benedict XVI returned to Rome today following an historic, three-day trip to Enchanted Kingdom, Sta. Rosa, Laguna, just south of Manila, the first official papal visit to a major American-style theme park since Pope Paul VI’s Thanksgiving Mass at Wet ‘n Wild in August 1966.

As the park opened its doors to the general public last Friday, the pope emerged from a private shuttle bus from Makati City to greet the throngs of people who had assembled hours earlier for a once-in-a-lifetime chance to pay their respects to the blessed pontiff and to vie for a seat on the eleven-story high Space Shuttle, a popular three-loop roller coaster ride.

The pope began his visit with a brief sermon delivered on the Midway Boardwalk Amphitheater, and blessed the park’s many concession-stand workers who “provide sustenance for our brethren seeking to beat the heat.”

“My friends in Christ, as we stand together today among this unusually large weekday crowd, I urge you and your children to exercise the twin virtues of faith and patience, for unto those who wait will come great rewards and monstrous thrills,” the pontiff told those in line for the Wheel of Fate ride.

The pope was honored in a special ceremony outside Boulderville, a prehistoric cartoon zone, in which he was presented with a complimentary season pass, good for free entry at Enchanted Kingdom until August 31.

“I am pleased to announce to His Holiness, the Vicar of Christ, Pope Benedict XVI, that from this day forward, June 9 will forever be known as Pope Day at Enchanted Kingdom, Sta. Rosa,” said Air Pterodactyl ride-operator Emilio Hernandez as he lowered the safety bar over the pope’s lap and locked it into place. “Now, prepare to be thrilled!”

The pope rode a pony on the Grand Carousel and a leisurely stroll though Victoria Park later on Friday, where he was greeted by Enchanted Kingdom dignitaries Eldar the Wizard and Princess. The pair of characters went on to sign an apostolic exhortation on the role of bishops, a Vatican concordat with Enchanted Kingdom Sta. Rosa, and the pope’s personal autograph book.

The pontiff also posed for an official portrait by celebrated Enchanted Kingdom caricature artist Manuel Cortez. The work depicted Benedict in his robes, mitre, and Rollerblades. The pope also celebrated a special midday Mass, in which the capacity-plus crowds received communion and cotton candy.

Early Saturday morning, Benedict delivered a children’s prayer at the Jungle Outpost, in which he urged “courage, resolve, and strength of stomach when you come face to face with the temptation of fireeaters and ethnic tribal dancers,” and stressed that they should all “honor thy mother and father, who paid the ultimate price for your PHP 400 (USD 8) day pass.”

“If you are a child over 54 inches tall, your covenant with fun compels you to check out the Jungle Log Jam,” the pope added.

On the third day of the papal visit, bystanders witnessed what some called a minor miracle when Benedict reunited a lost four-year-old boy with his parents. “Today, a young wayward sheep has strayed from his flock, “the pope announced over the park’s P.A. system. “But by the grace of God, he has been found safe and unharmed, and can be picked up at Enchanted Kingdom’s Discovery Theater where they’re playing Pirates 4D.”

According to Vatican spokesman Joaquin Navarro-Valls, Benedict accomplished everything he set out to do during the three days, with the exception of a much-anticipated visit to the Rio Grande, a wet-and-wild adventure that’s guaranteed to make you come back for more, which the Holy Father canceled at the last moment for unspecified reasons.

“This is truly a special part of the world, and my time at Enchanted Kingdom brought me closer to God – particularly when I was suspended in midair at the peak of the giant swing ride, the Flying Fiesta,” said the pope, his hair tousled, his face and the back of his neck severely sunburned, and his long, flowing robes soaked with colored pellets from Xtreme Paintball. “But there is still much more to be done, and I have a feeling that God will call me here again very soon.

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