BEIJING – The widespread tendency in China for ugly, rich, old men to marry young, money-grubbing pretty women – called the “Viagra effect” – is undermining the country’s pension system.

The report, by China’s Department of Human Resources and Social Security (DHRSS) showed that a trend of men in their 60s marrying women half their age will result in a large pool of young widows collecting benefits for much longer than anticipated.

“The social security system was planned so that the wife receives her husband’s pension for no more than 15 years. With growing life expectancy and remarriages with much younger women, benefits are likely to last for 35 years or more,” said Chen Laofu, the author of the study.

He said the younger-wife phenomenon was commonly called the “Viagra effect,” but he noted that in fact the trend started in the Ming Dynasty – well before the advent of the little blue pill and social security benefits.

However, reversing the trend may prove difficult. Liang Shimeng, 87, who married a 29 year-old former beauty contestant last year, believes money can buy happiness. “There are legions of dirty old men like me with cash to burn. I speak for us all when I says our national ability to pick up young chicks will reach heights unparalleled in human history. The hell with my pension.”

His wife agrees. “When Shimeng kick the bucket, I get his wealth; my mother gets the pension.”

The DHRSS report said two out of three men who are separated remarry, while only one out of ten separated women find a new husband.

Of the separated men, 64 percent of those aged more than 50 remarry women younger than them. In the 60-to-64 age range, the proportion is 69 percent.

China has a mixed public-private pensions system. Those in the public system receive the equivalent of their salary after retirement, while those with private funds receive a maximum of USD 1,800 a month.

Under current laws, when a retired man dies, his wife continues to receive his full pension until her own death, according to the website of the Ministry of Labor and Social Security.

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DANDONG, China – North Korean trade with China has risen dramatically since Kim Jong Il’s regime tested a nuclear warhead, according to retailers in the Chinese border town of Dandong.

At Dandong’s two outlets of Tesco, the U.K.’s largest retailer, North Koreans have increased purchases of items such as Marmite, cocktail sausages and goat’s cheese puff pastry tarts by 49 percent, said Han Lipang, a customer service clerk.

Han added that sales pickaxes, mining helmets and generators destined for the North had also doubled in the past three months.

Bing Ranfong, a Beijing University professor specializing in North Korea said the rise in sales was the result of misguided United Nations sanctions, which have failed put the screws on the North’s economy.

“The West’s sanctions have not had major impact on bilateral trade,” said Bing. “That said, it seems North Korean consumers have gone into survival mode. It’s obvious that the many of them intend to hole up in caves.”

Yet China has long run a surplus with the country, according to Greg Nunn, a North Korea specialist at the American Enterprise Institute in Washington. That rose to USD 386 million in the first half of this year from USD 489,990 in all of 2008.

Data from China’s Ministry of Commerce shows that Marmite sales account for the bulk of the rise.

Marmite is traditionally eaten as a savory spread on bread, toast, and biscuits. Owing to its concentrated taste it is usually spread thinly. Marmite is also often made into a drink by diluting it with hot water. Its distinctive, powerful flavor has been compared to soy sauce.

Official trade statistics, incomplete and not including smuggled goods, show two-way trade between China and North Korea rose 2.5 percent in the first six months of this year, according to China’s Commerce Ministry. Trade between China and South Korea during the same period was $67.6 billion.

At the Tesco store, Han said more North Koreans are coming in, but the trend in purchasing has changed drastically in recent months.

Another Tesco employee, Ding Xin, said that in addition to flogging Marmite by the case, he now sells about 100 generators a month to North Koreans. “In the past, we sold about 10 a month, all to government officials. They seem to be in need of more electricity of late.”

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WASHINGTON – Just days after a World Trade Organization ruling that China must ease restrictions on imported movies, music and books, the U.S. government announced today that it is once again ready to be lied to about free trade.

The Chinese Commerce Ministry responded almost immediately to the appeal, insisting Beijing does not hamper imports of media products, nor does it violate free trade rules by forcing such products to be routed through Chinese state-owned companies.

“The channels for China’s import market for published materials, movies and music are completely unimpeded,” ministry spokesman Yang Fuxin said in response to the American demands that bald-faced lies resume immediately, adding that “after years of bullshit about our trade practices, it’s understandable that U.S politicians don’t want to hear the grim truth about their economic future.”

Indeed, Yang stated that Beijing’s policy of boosting the market for pirated products by limiting access to legitimate goods was unchanged.

The American stance follows the release of soul-squashing report from the International Intellectual Property Alliance, a coalition of U.S. entertainment and software industry groups, stating that piracy in China costs them more than $3.7 billion in lost sales.

Grant Pearson, a lobbyist for the U.S. entertainment giant Universal said, “I thought I wanted a new era of transparency and accountability from China, but honestly, I just can’t handle it. From now on, just tell me the lies I want to hear.”

The national call for decreased candor began Monday, after analysts described the WTO ruling as “impossible to enforce”, a revelation that many people found shockingly blunt. Responding to that fact, an overwhelming majority of U.S. government, industry officials and entertainment figures said they believe Chinese leaders have a responsibility to come together, sit the American people down, and lie through their teeth about everything.

“I don’t need to be constantly reminded that the lack of intellectual property enforcement in China has hurt sales, said Hannah Montana, a.k.a. Miley Cyrus. “What I want is for someone to tell me with a straight face that profits from my latest movie have gone through the roof so that I can feel better.”

According to a CBS News/New York Times poll, 99 percent of Americans no longer appreciate President Barack Obama’s attempts to break down the depressing trade imbalance into simple terms they can understand. Instead, many say the president should have the decency to force the Chinese to use complex jargon to confuse and deceive them, perhaps even implying that gross imbalance of trade was just a big misunderstanding that resulted from a clerical error.

“Please, treat me like a child. Treat me like a five-year-old,” California governor Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger wrote in a letter to the Chinese president. “I nearly lost everything when the Terminator series was pirated, and I’m too old to start working again.”

Thus far, many policymakers in Washington have responded favorably to Chinese lies, saying they respect and understand the regime’s need for dishonesty.

“I think we can accommodate the Chinese government on this,” Senate majority leader Drew Jansen (D-NV) told reporters, “after all, China should defend its media controls as needed to ensure removal of offensive content and protect public morals. Besides, pirated copies are so convenient, and at a dollar per DVD, the quality is so good.”

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PYONGYANG – More than 18,500 Chinese banned books were exhibited at the Pyongyang International Exhibition on Forbidden Books Wednesday.

The books, provided by 18 Chinese publishers, demonstrated the futility of publishing material that show the achievements the Chinese people have made in a bad light, said Kim Rae Dong, vice director of the National Library of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK).

Kim admitted that as all of the books on exhibit are written in Chinese, it was difficult for visitors to judge the merits of their conclusion, but added that “we will take our comrades at their word.”

The Chinese banned book exhibition will boost bilateral exchanges and cooperation on censorship, said Yang Yufenng, Chinese charge d’affaires at Pyongyang, adding that an exhibition of books forbidden in the DPRK will be on display in Beijing in September.

The Forbidden Book exhibition started on Monday and will end on Wednesday.

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ZIKETAN, Qinghai – In the medieval town of Ziketan in northwestern China, a corrupt Satanist Boss Wang Shitou invited several dozen of the local elite to his villa Tuesday for protection against the oncoming plague, the Red Death.

The local peasantry, or anyone that the Boss suspected of being infected by the plague, were killed by crossbow fire outside the villa walls, or their villages are burned to the ground.

Boss Wang arranged for his guests to attend a masked ball, with the stipulation that no one is to wear red. At the ball, amidst a general atmosphere of debauchery and depravity, he noticed the entry of a mysterious hooded stranger dressed all in red. Believing the figure to be an ambassador from his master, Satan, Boss Wang addressed him as “your Excellency”.

Before long, the ball was transformed into a danse macabre, and the red-masked figure was heard asking why Boss Wang repeatedly called him “your Excellency”, declaring “I have no title”.

Realizing his error, Boss Wang tore off the red mask, revealing his own face.

As events later proved, the figure was not an emissary of Satan, but the Red Death himself. “When you look into the face of Death, you see yourself,” said the figure, adding that “each man makes God for himself — his own heaven, his own hell.”

Boss Wang was later observed attempting to flee through the now-infected crowd, but his red-cloaked self was always in front of him.

He was finally cornered by The Red Death finally and asked, “Why are you afraid to die, Boss Wang? Your soul died a long time ago”. The Red Death then struck him down.

Following Boss Wang’s death, local authorities from the provincial health department killed rats and fleas today, and later disinfected the town.

Authorities urged anyone who had visited the town – about than 480 kilometers west of Beijing – since mid-July and has developed a cough or fever to seek hospital treatment.

“A lot of people ran off last night when they heard that Boss Wang died of the plague. They are mostly from other provinces,” said a hawker surnamed Zhou, adding that they headed back home with food, water and their donkeys.”

Pneumonic plague is spread through the air and can be passed from person to person through coughing. The lung infection is highly contagious can kill a person in as few as 24 hours if left untreated.

The disease is caused by the same bacteria that causes bubonic plague – the Black Death that killed an estimated 25 million people in Europe in the Middle Ages. However, bubonic plague is usually transmitted by flea bites and can be easily treated with antibiotics.

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SHANGHAI – No triad tattoos, no history of sexually transmitted diseases in the last five generations of your family and no lisp.

These are amongst the 100 health requirements for would-be taikonauts vying to be part of China’s next space team, according to a report published by China National Space Administration Saturday.

The selection process, which the paper said is for the second batch of Chinese taikonauts, will also disqualify those who have itchy scalp, herpes, genital warts, speech impediments or foul breath.

“Foul breath would adversely affect their fellow taikonauts in a confined space,” said Zhao Liuxiang, an official at the 4th People’s Hospital at the People’s Liberation Army air force base near Shanghai, one of the six taikonaut health screening locations in the Chinese mainland.

“These taikonauts should be sociable, “Zhao said. “Candidates who play mah jong will have an advantage.”

In addition to the disqualifications listed above, candidates must be taller than Jackie Chan and shorter than Yao Ming the report said. Taikonauts must also be able to sing “Man on the Moon”, “Rocket Man”, and “Space Oddity” in Chinese translation and perform a reasonable imitation of Michael’s Jackson’s “moon walk”.

China sent its first man to space in September 2008. Zhai Zhigang, the son of a stinky tofu snack-seller, unveiled a small Chinese flag in space. He was accompanied by Liu Boming, who briefly stuck his head out of the capsule and said,” I can’t stand the smell much longer.”

Their space walk was a step towards China’s longer-term goal of constructing a space lab, and, at an as yet unspecified time, a larger space station.

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BEIJING – Inflation in China is set to rise in the second half this year as the size of bribes grows, the Central Bank said on Tuesday.

The surge in the Commercial Bribe Index (CBI), the main gauge of inflation, may reach new highs in the third quarter, the People’s Bank of China said in a 10-page report by its Financial Survey and Statistics Department.

“China’s economy is at a critical stage. We should maintain the stable macro-economic policy and continue to consolidate the foundation for an economic rebound,” the report said.

The CBI rose for a fifth month in July, increasing 1.7 percent from a year earlier – the biggest increase since 1999.

Rising commodities prices and ample liquidity will add pressure on the size of bribes in the future, the report said.

As bribes increase, the country posted the largest gain in its foreign-exchange reserves since the global financial crisis hit and foreign direct investment into the country improved sharply.

The latest data reflect returning inflows as China’s economy recovers, but will add to Beijing’s concerns about a build-up in inflationary pressures and encourage the government in its efforts to fine-tune graft policies.

“China is certainly on track to meet its annual growth target, but the government needs to now fine-tune their policies to mitigate negative side-effects of previous aggressive stimulatory steps,” said Moody’s analyst Byron Lo.

“This actually raises concerns as to whether things are getting out of control in China. Excess bribes can lead to the creation of asset price bubbles,” he said.

China’s foreign-exchange reserves, the world’s largest, totaled USD 2.132 trillion at the end of July, according to the People’s Bank of China.

“Today’s economic data told us two points at least: Despite the Rio Tinto scare, bribes are returning to China and China is facing increasing risks of bribe inflation,” said a Beijoing-based trader at a foreign bank

The average size of bribes increased from RMB 2.53 million (USD 370,000) in 2007 to RMB 8.84 million (USD1.29 million) in 2008, according to estimates by the Communist party’s anti-graft watchdog.

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BEIJING – China has banned online games featuring sinister Dons and baseball bat-wielding Mafiosi, accusing software designers and manufacturers of promoting anti-social behavior.

On Tuesday, the Ministry of Culture issued a notice prohibiting such games, which have grown in popularity on the Internet recently.

The games “highlight the anti-social gangster behavior of beating, killing, looting, raping and cheating, and they promote bloodshed and violence,” the ministry said in a statement posted on its website.

They must be banned because they “gravely threaten and distort society’s efforts to build a lawful society and moral codes and will easily harm the youth,” the statement said, adding that authorities will strengthen their control over “cultural content” on the Internet.

Operators must immediately stop running or promoting the games, or providing links to them, according to the statement, which threatened “heavy” punishments, including taking a pipe to the legs of game providers. In the case of repeated offenders, a garrote will be applied.

Some companies have already started internal investigations and removed some games from their Web sites.

Crime Interactive, which creates and markets such popular games as Extreme Mobsters, Midnight Mafia and MobLife, said it will discontinue legal sales in China, but will continue to sell through its network of Triad members.

Midnight Mafia allows players to become a boss of a crime gang. They have the choice to collect money from their casinos, whorehouses, loan sharks and gambling dens, according to Crime Interactive CEO Luigi Belladonna.

China has the world’s largest online population, with 338 million Internet users, making authorities nervous about the impact that cyberspace may have on the methods used to fight to the top.

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WENZHOU, China – A replica of Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch on an island north of Shanghai is the latest in a series of Chinese tributes to US landmarks, but not the last.

The RMB 100 million (USD 15 million) replica will be the centerpiece of an agricultural sightseeing park where visitors can sample rural cuisine and listen to Chinese folk music.

In addition to Neverland II, the Chinese government will construct a replica of the CBS Evening News room, in tribute to late anchorman Walter Cronkite.

The newsroom, which officials say will be exact in every detail except for the liberal new bias, will be built on the location of the former new headquarters of the state television network, CCTV, in Beijing’s Central Business District, which in July was destroyed by fire.

A third replica, with an aviation theme, will begin construction in September. Located near China’s Lingshui Air Base on Hainan Island, the project’s aim is to produce a clone of Edwards Air Base in California.

When completed in 2014, it will feature copies of the space shuttle, Delta IV rocket, F-15 fighter, B-52 bomber, CH-46/47 Chinook helicopter and other aerospace and military technologies.

Blueprints for the aerospace copies were donated by Dongfan “Greg” Chungm, who was convicted July 16 of economic espionage and of acting as an agent for the People’s Republic of China.

Replicas of the White House, the Washington Monument and Kentucky Fried Chicken outlets have already been completed.

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PALO ALTO, California – Mark Zuckerberg was put off his evening meal this week after learning that his social networking website, Facebook, had been used to disseminate disturbing and controversial information during the recent civil unrest in China’s Xinjiang Province.

“Facebook was intended to be a way for empty-headed egotists to share mind-numbingly dull thoughts with anyone desperate enough to read them,” said a clearly unhappy Zuckerberg, claiming that his social utility service was not intended for political purposes.

“When I heard how a certain ethnic minority were using my baby for their own nasty means – like organizing a political movement and informing the outside world of the actions of a repressive regime – I cried. I just couldn’t believe they’d abused something meant for attention-starved geeks in need of a constant audience.”

Swearing to get back to basics, Zuckerberg claimed he is already at work on a new website that will be so mind-numbingly useless that no one, not even Uyghurs, will be able to figure out how to subvert it.

Meanwhile, the Chinese government’s decision to disrupt Facebook is making foreign residents in the Middle Kingdom feel cut off from the outside world. On numerous blogs and news sites, foreigners living in China vented their frustrations about not being able to communicate with business associates and loved ones overseas.

One formerly frequent user of Facebook wrote: “Gosh, I am in beijing, uploading some photos on face book for my families to see back at home, when suddenly connection got interrupted. I did not even got the chance of editing those photos…

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