By Riaad Van der Merwe
BEIJING – Chinese search engine powerhouse Baidu has denied accusations by Google that it requires all employees to search for their porn using google.com.

Google pointed the finger at Baidu after its services on the Chinese mainland were disrupted on Wednesday and Thursday this week. A Google spokesperson said its services were temporarily shutdown because the Chinese government objected to the immoral and pornographic content found in searches conducted by mainland Netizens on Google’s search engine.

In a statement released by Google early today, the company claimed that “Baidu has a large number of Internet perverts working for them,” adding that its rival’s employees are permitted to surf pornographic sites as long as they do it via the Google search engine.”

This practice “has resulted in an upsurge of nasty searches on the Google server, thus prompting the Chinese government’s crackdown on Google,” according to spokesperson Jorge Kip.

Since 2002, Google has upset the Chinese government repeatedly and been blocked numerous times. This latest blockage, however, is the most serious and threatens the company’s long-term prospects in China.

Kip denies that Google is responsible for disseminating vulgar content. “Savvy Internet users know how to use the ‘no filter’ option to their advantage,” he said. “They simply type in something completely innocent like ‘Japanese’, switch off the safe search – and Bob’s your uncle. Using this method, they can find more than enough material to stoke their fires.”

In contrast, Kip said that “Baidu’s porn seekers typed in phrases such as ‘anus puking’ or ‘fat lip fannies’ and because of Google’s vast resources find thousands of returns in less than a second.” Baidu’s nefarious practices, he added, are simply sour grapes.

Meanwhile, Baidu called a press conference at which its founder and chairman Bi Gema denied Google’s accusations. “These claims are childish, only a juicy nine year old could think up jizz like this. Lies like these will never hold up in a court run by a leather clad judge pounding her gavel down hard again and again and again.”

Witnesses said that at this point Bi excused himself to use the men’s room.

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BEIJING – Following a dramatic rise of high nervous tension and diminishing sexual ability and strength among Chinese males, the government has issued a list of 10 ‘remedies’ and 10 ‘motivations’.

The move comes just days after Google was ordered to stop users of its Chinese-language service from accessing overseas websites. Previously, China’s latest crackdown on Internet porn resulted in the closure of more than 40,000 websites containing pornographic content. As a result, 90 percent of males from 16-35 have suffered moderate penile dysfunction, while 99 percent of those 36 and older have severe erectile problems.

According to state media today, authorities have made available for free distribution nation-wide a list of 10 readily-purchased natural aphrodisiacs, as well as 10 incentives should the aphrodisiacs fail to restore sexual health.

The ten natural aphrodisiacs include:

1. Honey
2. Ginger
3. Onions
4. Dates
5. Almonds
6. Black Raisins
7. Asparagus
8. Drumstick flowers
9. Chick peas
10. Garlic

The list of ten motivations include:

1. Lei Feng was celibate. His is your model.
2. Women are costly; focus your energies on building a career.
3. After three months, your partner is unattractive anyway; this is a good time to cultivate chastity.
4. Sex is overrated.
5. Love hurts.
6. Eunuchs are making a comeback.
7. Gain a sense of self and independence from others.
8. STDs.
9. Save money on birth control devices.
10. Avoid criminal prosecution for homosexuality.

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By Riaad van der Merwe
BEIJING – To promote social unity and public awareness, the Chinese Internet and Technology Security Service (CHITSS) will host a Netizens social ‘meet and greet’ gathering, the first of its kind in the Chinese mainland, on August 4 at Beijing’s National Stadium.

In an event that organizers hope the meeting will become an annual tradition, CHITSS’ spokesperson Dong Gepi said a press conference held in Beijing earlier this week that, “We will offer Netizens, bloggers and diverse forum commentators the chance to meet and discuss the vulgarity, detriment and all-round uselessness of Internet content that does not promote the Chinese spirit of unity and congruity.”

The event will feature workshops and discussion forums concerning China’s Internet usage and the Web 2.0 phenomena. Discussion topics will include, “Finding the Right Balance Between Sincerity and Severity”; “Ethics That Fit Any Circumstance”; and “The Strategic Use of the Phrase ‘You Just Don’t Understand’”.

Attendees will have the opportunity to display phrases of their own creation on LED nametags, which will be pinned to their chest for everyone to read. Those with the best phrases will be invited to join the organization’s new club CHITSS ‘R’ US, formed to ease the process of communication and advance a sense of unity. Members are referred to as ‘Little CHITSS’.

CHITSS itself hopes to attract not only the whole of China’s ’50 Cent Army’ (Internet propagandists paid 50 Chinese cents), which is said to number in excess of 300,000 Little CHITSS, but also the vast number of newcomers to the Internet and Web 2.0 experience. “The Beijing Stadium, or Birds’ Nest, has more than enough room to accommodate all comers, including the physically disabled,” said Dong.

For the socially disabled, organizer will prepare a special room equipped with a network of computers, making it possible for Little CHITSS to occupy the same space without the bother of direct communication. Instead, they can communicate via surveyed instant messenger, making it completely unnecessary for them to speak or make any kind of eye-contact, according to IT specialist Ran Furong. “We will make the necessary preparations to ensure that even the most socially inept Little CHITTS will still be able to attend the event and partake in the discussions,” said Ran, adding “everyone is sure to have a BAMF-ing time.”

The event also features live entertainment, including appearances by Internet celebrities The Back Dorm Boys and Kappa Girl, as well as the three high school students from Sichuan. The latter will re-enact their tear-filled apology after they were identified as the source of a spoof newscast on the Internet joking that they hoped their school would collapse, while actual schools were collapsing nearby during the Sichuan earthquake.

The grand finale of the event offers digital fireworks, and the burning of three effigies, CNN commentator Jack Cafferty, Sharon Stone and the Liaoning Bitch Girl.

Tickets for the event in are currently on sale at all major Internet bars across China.

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