By Riaad Van der Merwe
BEIJING – Chinese search engine powerhouse Baidu has denied accusations by Google that it requires all employees to search for their porn using google.com.

Google pointed the finger at Baidu after its services on the Chinese mainland were disrupted on Wednesday and Thursday this week. A Google spokesperson said its services were temporarily shutdown because the Chinese government objected to the immoral and pornographic content found in searches conducted by mainland Netizens on Google’s search engine.

In a statement released by Google early today, the company claimed that “Baidu has a large number of Internet perverts working for them,” adding that its rival’s employees are permitted to surf pornographic sites as long as they do it via the Google search engine.”

This practice “has resulted in an upsurge of nasty searches on the Google server, thus prompting the Chinese government’s crackdown on Google,” according to spokesperson Jorge Kip.

Since 2002, Google has upset the Chinese government repeatedly and been blocked numerous times. This latest blockage, however, is the most serious and threatens the company’s long-term prospects in China.

Kip denies that Google is responsible for disseminating vulgar content. “Savvy Internet users know how to use the ‘no filter’ option to their advantage,” he said. “They simply type in something completely innocent like ‘Japanese’, switch off the safe search – and Bob’s your uncle. Using this method, they can find more than enough material to stoke their fires.”

In contrast, Kip said that “Baidu’s porn seekers typed in phrases such as ‘anus puking’ or ‘fat lip fannies’ and because of Google’s vast resources find thousands of returns in less than a second.” Baidu’s nefarious practices, he added, are simply sour grapes.

Meanwhile, Baidu called a press conference at which its founder and chairman Bi Gema denied Google’s accusations. “These claims are childish, only a juicy nine year old could think up jizz like this. Lies like these will never hold up in a court run by a leather clad judge pounding her gavel down hard again and again and again.”

Witnesses said that at this point Bi excused himself to use the men’s room.

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BEIJING – Following a dramatic rise of high nervous tension and diminishing sexual ability and strength among Chinese males, the government has issued a list of 10 ‘remedies’ and 10 ‘motivations’.

The move comes just days after Google was ordered to stop users of its Chinese-language service from accessing overseas websites. Previously, China’s latest crackdown on Internet porn resulted in the closure of more than 40,000 websites containing pornographic content. As a result, 90 percent of males from 16-35 have suffered moderate penile dysfunction, while 99 percent of those 36 and older have severe erectile problems.

According to state media today, authorities have made available for free distribution nation-wide a list of 10 readily-purchased natural aphrodisiacs, as well as 10 incentives should the aphrodisiacs fail to restore sexual health.

The ten natural aphrodisiacs include:

1. Honey
2. Ginger
3. Onions
4. Dates
5. Almonds
6. Black Raisins
7. Asparagus
8. Drumstick flowers
9. Chick peas
10. Garlic

The list of ten motivations include:

1. Lei Feng was celibate. His is your model.
2. Women are costly; focus your energies on building a career.
3. After three months, your partner is unattractive anyway; this is a good time to cultivate chastity.
4. Sex is overrated.
5. Love hurts.
6. Eunuchs are making a comeback.
7. Gain a sense of self and independence from others.
8. STDs.
9. Save money on birth control devices.
10. Avoid criminal prosecution for homosexuality.

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