By Xian Qi
SINGAPORE — Singapore Supreme Court Judge Goh Han Sheng ruled in favor of himself today, concluding a brief trial in which he sued the Boston University Daily Free Press for libel.

The case arose following the publication, on May 13, 2009, of an op-ed piece written by Liberal Arts student Russell Wytchkoswki, in which he stated: “Singapore claims to have a free press, but the government appoints its friends as judges; said judges then act as their henchmen. As an example, Judge Goh Han Sheng roomed with Law Minister K. Shanmugam at law-school; later the pair became partners at the same firm. Last year, Shanmugam appointed Goh to the bench.”

Goh has since ruled in favor of the government in several cases where the media criticized the government. In each instance, the criticism was ruled as libel.

“This is libelous,” Judge Goh wrote in his ruling. “The Boston University Daily Free Press has been reckless with the truth. Such statements harm the integrity of Singapore’s independent judiciary, and as such, I award myself, the plaintiff – me – the sum of SGD 856,480 for harm to my reputation, another SGD 428,240 to the Law Minister for emotional distress and an additional SGD 280,043 to the Government of Singapore for reasons that I need not state.”

Judge Goh added that “until such damages are paid, the Boston University Daily Free Press, which is distributed on campus and at select Boston bookshops, is forbidden from publishing in Singapore.”

When reached for comment, the Boston University Daily Free Press editor, Darryl Fufkin, claimed he was unaware of the trial. “You’re shittin’ me,” said Fufkin. “Singapore – that’s in China, right?”

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By Xian Qi
SINGAPORE - Several sources independently confirmed Singapore Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong’s heterosexuality Friday, putting an end to longstanding speculation that he is a closeted homosexual.

In a press conference Thursday at the Singapore Island Country Club, Chan Xu Ling, wife of noted attorney Chee Soong Yuong, stated that she had seen a sworn affidavit on her husband’s desk affirming that the PM engages in intercourse with his wife every Sunday. The affidavit was signed by the PM’s wife, Ho Ching, claimed Chan.

The attorney and his wife were subpoenaed today and swore that the document in question is indeed genuine. Further evidence was taken from the Lee’s maid, who testified that she was under strict orders to wash the couple’s bedroom sheets on Monday mornings.

News of the PM’s sexual preference came as a revelation to one cabinet minister, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “It was no surprise to government members when Lee took Ho Ching as his second wife. After all, she is very masculine. We thought he/she might have had an operation in Thailand.”

Raymond Min, president of the Heads Up gay rights group, said, “If he’s really doing it with Ho Ching, there should be a law against such disgusting behavior.”

Another cabinet minister, who also requested anonymity, said that “Lee’s homophobia is so visceral, I could only see him as conflicted. On the other hand, his predecessor Goh Chok Tong was clearly a man’s man. He was so confident in his sexuality that he lifted the ban on gays working for the government and stopped the police raids the bathhouses. Gay life really opened up under his watch. It was obvious he had nothing to hide.”

In 2003, in reference to the city-state’s gay community Goh stated that “… in time the population will understand that some people are born that way. We are born this way and they are born that way, but they are like you and me.” He also stated that gays would be allowed to serve in ’sensitive positions’ in the Civil Service.

That same year, with the support of the current PM’s father Lee Kwan Yew, Singapore lifted the ban on section 377A of the penal code. Lee Hsien Loong later reinstated the law.

Alex Au, who for a decade has fought for gay rights in Singapore, said Lee’s preference for pink ties had everyone fooled. “I’m disappointed to discover that Lee is just another straight guy who hates gays. I’m a fool for believing those stories about his taking it up the bum at boarding school.”

The revelation about the PM’s heterosexuality is also expected to quell rumors that his first wife, Wong Ming Yang, committed suicide due to family pressure and marital troubles. In light of the facts, it seems true that the healthy 31-year-old had a fulfilling marriage and passed away from a heart attack, as officially reported.

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SINGAPORE – Li Shiwang wins first prize in Singapore’s The Chinese Challenge, a Mandarin language quiz game designed to improve communication in Chinese.

Li achieved a perfect score in the 12-week long initiative correctly answering all 144 questions about Singapore’s history, politics and culture.

Launched on March 30, the Promote Mandarin Council aimed to “provide a participatory environment for Singaporeans to enjoy and improve their Mandarin and knowledge of Chinese, said the Council”.

The percentage of Chinese-language households in Singapore has been declining for more than a decade, according to a survey by the Singapore Department of Race Harmony. By 2008, only 39 percent of households used Chinese as a primary language, while 61 percent used English.

Lee Sau Hoong, Chairperson of the Promote Mandarin Council, said Li’s score set the standard for all Singaporeans. “He deserved the top prize of SGD 10,000, she said, “and not just because he’s my cousin from Fujian. Anyone who doubts his talent need only view his answers from the last week of the quiz,” she said.

With permission from The Promote Mandarin Council, we reprint the questions from last week’s quiz below. An assistant to Lee said the answers would be classified as state secrets until 2025.

1. What was Singapore before the UK colonized it?
a. Malay fishing village
b. Malay trading hub
c. Malay seat of power
d. Family restaurant offering Chinese take-out

2. Singapore is a country on:
a. Island
b. Mountain
c. Valley
d. Crack

3. The word Singapore means:
a. Lion city
b. Bird city
c. King city
d. Lee family city

4. Which country invaded Singapore after World War II?
a. US
b. Japan
c. UK
d. China

5. Who was Singapore’s first prime minister?
a. Lee Kuan Yew
b. Lee Kuan Yew
c. Lee Kuan Yew
d. Lee Kuan Yew

6. Transparency International has named Singapore as one of the:
a. Most corrupt countries
b. Least corrupt countries
c. Most sunny countries
d. Not a country at all, just a city-state

7. What is Merlion in Singapore?
a. Magician
b. Red light zone
c. Skyscraper with a pineapple on top
d. Statue with a lion head on body of fish

8. Which of the following are not Singapore’s neighboring countries?
a. Bank of Indonesia
b. Maybank
c. Bank of China
d. Citibank

9. Which of the following is not an official language in Singapore?
a. Singlish
b. Cursing
c. English
d. Chinese

10. Which party did you vote for in the last election?
a. PAP
b. Democrats
c. Republicans
d. Renminbi

11. What is Sentosa?
a. Spicy noodles
b. Tourist island
c. Prison
d. Gambling paradise

12.What are the 5 C’s of Singapore?
a. Cash, Car, Credit Card, Computer, membership of Country Club
b. Cash, Car, CPF, Condominium, membership of Country Club
c. Cash, Car, Credit Card, Condominium, membership of Country Club
d. Cash, Communist, Censor, China, Clinical paranoia

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SINGAPORE – During a speech Monday before members of the Parliament of Singapore, a concerned Minister Mentor Lee Kwan Yew said that “thousands” of the island city-state’s citizens were made in Communist China.

“These shoddy, Asian-looking, ‘knock-off’ Singaporeans are the mass-produced product of non-union, low-wage parents,” the former Prime Minister told members. “Every day, these knock-offs are exported from China to our shores, where they are free to intermingle with real, made-in-Southeast Asia Singaporeans.”

Yew added that if he were still Prime Minister, he would impose stiff tariffs against Singapore-citizen-producing nations and return all bootleg Singaporeans to their nation of origin.

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