BEIJING – Moments after having their space module – Tiangong-1 – launch delayed, Shenzhou-8 spacecraft taikonauts complained once again Monday about Yang Xiuying – that annoying little program manager who insists on every detail of every space mission being exactly right. Weighing about 8.5 tons, Tiangong-1 is able to perform long-term unattended operation, which will be an essential step toward building a space station.
Yang, who is reportedly always double-checking launch parameters for no good reason, and sticking her nose into parts of the spacecraft that have always worked just fine, delayed the module launch for the third time this past month.
“It’s always ‘Are the solid rocket boosters functioning at full capacity?’ and ‘Do the liquid oxygen prevalves operate as required?’ with Yang,” Shenzhou-8 commander Fei Zhongqing said. “If it weren’t for that old woman, we’d already be in space by now.”
In addition to her insistence on mission coordinates being 100 percent accurate, Yang reportedly spends all her time obsessing about Shenzhou-8’s general purpose computers, which ignite the main engines and ensure that the craft can safely reach the speed of 18,000 mph.
“Is there anything Yang doesn’t worry about?” said Zhang Xian, the crew’s second-in-command. “This isn’t rocket science – you’d think she’d try to relax a bit.”
Since she was assigned to it last year, Yang has aborted the space module launch, a key component of nation’s first space docking mission, for a wide range of seemingly unimportant reasons, including a 4-inch crack in the exterior hull of the module, the failure of several engine cut-off sensors, and what has been described as “the smallest of possible thunderstorms.”
Following their latest delay, Shenzhou-8 crew members were seen throwing up their arms, shaking their heads in disgust, and letting out a unified, exasperated fart.
“The goal of this mission is to build a space station both safely and successfully,” announced Yang, who then spent an interminable number of hours tinkering with the retrieval system responsible for guiding the Shenzhou-8 spacecraft back to Earth. “It is of chief importance that everything goes as planned.”
The insufferable perfectionist’s fixation goes beyond ship maintenance and safety, however. In the past six months, Yang has totally smothered the taikonauts, forcing them to complete endless navigation simulations, practice sea survival techniques despite the lack of water in space, and train for all kinds of hypothetical emergency evacuations, the vast majority of which will never even happen.
“I’m healthy, willing, and able,” pilot Xiao Yuan said. “Come on. This is BACCC [Beijing Aerospace Command and Control Center] we’re talking about here. Everything is going to be fine.”
In its 41-year history, China’s manned space program has launched three successful manned missions into space, and, with only one recorded disaster, many at the Beijing Aerospace Command and Control Center have reportedly begun to lose their patience.
In the past week, BACCC sources have observed the astronauts pass the time by pacing back and forth, bouncing tennis balls against the wall, and pretending as if they were already in space. Throughout it all, Yang has continued her incessant meddling, going so far as to fix the ship’s onboard radio early Thursday morning.
“She’s making the flight engineers review the ship for two days? I can see it from here. It’s fine,” Fei said. “The equipment’s good, the fuel’s good, the gyroscopic compass that keep us from floating aimlessly out into the vacuum space is good. What more does she want?”
Added Zhang, “I’m starting to hope our spacecraft disintegrates just to spite that old bag.”
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